not dispensing wisdom.

i don't know why i can't seem to sit here & type my thoughts regularly. i feel like i need to express something profound each time i post, which i've yet to do ever. i want to be comfortable with the idea of writing my thoughts. i have so many ideas when i'm nowhere near the computer. i sit here & nothing. i'm concerned about just bitching. i'm not surfing the net enough to find cool shit to share. & i'm not doing a lot of reading these days. so what have i to say?

i've just put my little one to bed for a nap. it wasn't an easy task today. i had to let her cry it out after singing to her for nearly 40mins, & reading a book to her before that. i'm pooped. it's quiet now, so i'm assuming she finally drifted off. she's changing so much lately. i see a little girl now more & more. it's fascinating. though it's a constant state of trials.

speaking of which, i've been reading buddha's life story in manga. pretty damn cool. i'm on volume 6 of 8. it's been a few days now that i've picked it up. when the cuckoo bird finally sleeps i've been playing oblivion, or at night i've been watching some crazy & fun downloads.

i'm conflicted about sending my baby to school at almost 2 1/2 come september if i can get her in. i do want to keep her home with me, but i'm going crazy not being able to do anything for myself. it's a difficult process to clean the house & make meals. she will be going only part-time, so it's just for the mornings. i do understand she needs the social aspect. i know she has to go out & learn too, but... she's only 2. i know i need this in my heart, but i feel sick about it in my gut. i need to get my studio organised. i need to be able to read again. get some exercise. think. practice. study.

surfing always turns up something cool...

computer troubles

finally. i figured out why i have not been able to read anything on blogger so i could post or whatnot. on the bottom of the page you'll find a link to languages. somehow i turned off the english & switched to the magical language of question marks. i do not recall admitting knowing this language intimately. it has taken me these last months to figure this out. whew. onto better things... hopefully i can now use english to better express my thoughts.

What Makes You Happy?

a bit lost

not much new with myself as of late. i spend each day trying to schedule time to brush my teeth & grab some lunch. hmmm...i don't think i brushed my teeth today. i managed to get a shower yesterday morning.

i have no idea when i'm going to have time to spend on me, or when i'll get around to thinking about what i can offer this world. of course, i'm concerned about the state of myself physically, mentally & spiritually, by the time i find time.

i spend much of my thought process on wondering if i'll ever get to do anything worthwhile, academically or artistically, i mean. & what's the point anyways. i wasn't doing much before my little one came along. i realise that i'm supposed to be happy? content? with just breathing & being here, esp with my little one. in her eyes, i'm everything & i'm there for her exclusively. in my eyes, i'm just me. i think my mother said something like that to me once. i still have my own thoughts & feelings, but will i ever have goals again. will i care to. will i have time to. & again i ask, to what purpose.

i gaze at her & nothing else matters.